Didorian Knight

The Beauty of Nature

2007-04-13T05:27:00.000+02:00

This was me today. This is me every week during summers. It's the summer version of the Island of Thoughts. During winter I'll just take a bath and drift off, but during summer and when it's lovely weather like it was today (18*C, blue-ish sky, loads of sunshine), I go to the river nearby and just sit, like on that photo.

I can just sit there for hours, staring into nothing, just watching the boats come by, thinking, writing poems, writing letters, listening to my MP3-player, doing nothing at all... It's just beautiful. To just sit there and be overwhelmed by nature's beauty. The water, the grass, the trees, wind..
Just to feel the sun on your face and tell me what you're thinking...

The Beauty of Nature, it's overwhelming and makes you feel so small. Just to sit there and think of what nature is and what it's capable of.
Days like these make me appreciate the little things in life so much more.

I love The Netherlands, especially on days like these. :)

Island of Thoughts II

2007-03-25T20:56:00.000+02:00

Here I found myself again on the Island of Thoughts.
Laying in the bathtub, enjoying the bubbles and streams with some Feng Shui music on the background, I floated off to my Island again. Hoovering over my thoughts, watching everything from the outside.

Beautiful really.

You know I even came up with a theory. Theoretically speaking everything could be for free.
Say someone who likes to build things as a hobby, they could build machines as their hobby for free. Then those could be used to process things. E.g. to make cheese out of the milk, which farmers (who do their farming as a hobby, for free). And if someone doesnt have any skills which they could do as a hobby to contribute to this world, then why not have someone who's good at it, teach it to them.
That'd be the perfect world. Everything could be for free in this world then. I think many people would be so much happier then. I know I would.
There would be no need to make money anymore, because everything'd be for free anyway. There would be no greedy people anymore because anything would be for free anyway.
I guess I'm creating myself a fantasy here..

My Island of Thoughts

2007-03-09T18:07:00.000+01:00

Today I decided to take a nice long, warm, eucalyptus bath, with bubbles and streams.

I made it really comfortable, put on some Yin & Yang and Feng Shui CDs really loud and just sank into my own little Island of Thoughts. Really inspiring and peaceful.

As I was laying there, floating in my sea of thoughts, quietly flowing to the peaceful sounds of Feng Shui and Yin & Yang on the background, my mind came to peace. Peace with what the people think of me, peace with my family situation, peace with the death of my beloved ones, peace with my life. Everything was so quiet and peaceful. It felt as if I arrived at the Island. I've never experienced this before. It was so beautiful. I've never seen something so beautiful, wonderful and most of all PEACEFUL.
I felt so much love. I transferred that into some textmessages which I sent out to some friends and even people who used to be friends. I knew those text messages would never be able to make up for everything I did wrong, but still... At least I told them I care and that I love 'em.
I came to such beautiful realisations while I was floating around my Island.
I can't even start to describe the realisations I came to. Half of them don't even matter and seem so small, probably irrelevant details to others, but to me... Important as hell.

It's my destiny. It really is. That's one of the things I came to realize. It's my destiny and I'm at peace with everything, that's the odd thing. Everything is okay now. Everything is meant to be.

There are 2 people who have told me (be it in a harsh way or not) that I fuck with peoples' minds and that I'm a manipulative bitch. And they are right. I'm not saying I ever hurt anyone on purpose, cos people who know me well should know that it breaks me whenever people are hurt, especially emotionally. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm not even going to come up with excuses or explanations this time. I've hurt people. Point. I'm not even going to say sorry for that anymore, as the ones who have been hurt KNOW that I'm sorry, and I don't need anyone who doesn't know a single bit of the whole situation to tell me it's common knowledge that I fuck with peoples' minds.

What does scare me a bit though is how it is possible... that if it's really common knowledge, then why do people still try to be friends with me? Heck I got messages saying I'm a manipulative bitch and also that it's common knowledge that I fuck with peoples' minds. Then why do I also get messages like:
'I love you, unconditionally! There's nothing u can do to change that & there's nothing required of u to ever prove that you deserve my love. () hurt yourself, hurt others, kill others, rape ur best friend before giving her drugs and pushing her off a bridge, I'll still love you'
and
'u've got to be one of the sweetest ppl I've ever come across. I dont know what I did to make you believe those things about me, if believing that makes you feel better, than by all means continue, but I am just stumped as to why u'd think I'm even half of those things. Thank u so much for saying it anyway. Much love. xxx'

I guess it's all a matter of opinion. I know I have so much love to give to people, but I also know that there's something like an overkill and apparently I can't give love to people without them interpretating it in a different way or without confusing them or without hurting them.
Whether I interpretate something wrong, or get confused or am hurt does not matter; I'm at peace at my Island of Thoughts.

I arrived at my Island of Thoughts and I know "the Island" will be just like this. I can feel it. Eventually I'm heading to the Island, as we all are. We just don't know when. Some found the road there earlier than others, some too early and some too late, after having a bumpy road of suffering from ilnesses and pain, as well emotionally as physically. All I know is that my Island of Thoughts will do for me for now.

What also was quite strange was that I felt a certain connection to my Mother and my Best Friend, while I was floating around my Island of Thoughts. I couldn't see them, but I could feel them. I could feel them being both proud and disappointed in me. One day I'll meet them, and everything will be alright then.

I can't remember why I started writing this post, I guess I just wanted to share these feelings and thoughts with all of you. As some last favour. Don't worry I'm not going to the Island. If I'm heading for any Island now, it'd be the Island of Thoughts. Yes, one day I will head for the final Island, and I can't say or know when that will be, but the day is coming closer. Whether that be tomorrow or in 14 years, who knows? I don't. I guess nobody can and will ever know when people will head there. And say you COULD know, would you WANT to know. I don't know.

I'm going to float some more on the Island of Thoughts, enjoying the peace and beauty of it.

silence

2007-01-07T14:28:00.000+01:00

I never really understood people who were feeling down and didn't talk about it, because, like they said they "couldn't be bothered" to talk to anyone. I never understood them. Untill I recently found out what it feels like.

If life would only exist of sleeping and drinking than it'd be the perfect life for me, yet the most imperfect life I could imagine.

How do you deal with life? If you feel like it ain't worth living. Or at least you're not deserving of it? Does any of this even make sense at all?

I guess that's the point of life: being senseless, pointless. Yet we all are living it. Human beings are odd creatures. They live a life and are happy eventhough they know it's gonna end one day. For some persons way too soon, for others way too late.

I can't help wondering how people would live their life if they knew they'd die within the next year. What would they do? How would they live? Who would they try to meet? Who would they try to avoid?

Hmm, nevermind me, it's just another one of those dark, grey winter Sundays and I am bored. Not a good combination, hehe.

Emotional Songs for me right now:
The Smiths - Asleep
Apocalyptica - Farewell
Avril Lavigne - Slipped Away
A Perfect Circle - What's Going On

the 3 commandments

2007-01-05T10:44:00.000+01:00

* thou shall not drink
* thou shall not use hash
* thou shall not hurt yourself

the Island

2006-11-03T19:11:00.000+01:00

sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love for their own sake. This doesn't sound logically at all, I know but sometimes it just is like that...

The Island. That's the place to be for me. All quiet and peaceful. Flowers, sunshine. Happiness

This entry will probably make no sense to anyone but me. But I don't care. As long as I get it. As long as I can be on The Island. As long as I make sense to myself.

"Insanity is my only sane"

it's been a while

2006-10-24T11:06:00.000+02:00

yes so it's been a while since I posted the last time... Why? Obviously not because my life's been so busy, 'cause all I did was move my bum from my bed to the couch. Which is an incredibly comfortable couch by the way. I've fallen asleep on it more than once. At one point I even woke up and saw a paper on the wall behind it saying "Ester's place". Housemates hehe.
It's a brown leather couch. it's officially for 3 persons, but usually we make it for 5 or more, when watching movies. nice and cosey on the couch under my bedsheet hehe.

It's a real student home over here. It's a mess. there's papers everwhere, shoes everywhere and believe me you don't want to go into the kitchens. One of them has a table, completely filled with dishes. My dishes to be exact *blushes*. I've been postponing it for about a week now and today I've run out of clean plates so at one point today (if I even wanna eat) I need to do the dishes. Which is a lot. Hehe. Ah well, life is like the dishes. One moment its messy and dirty and the other it's nice and shiney ;-)

Guess I'd better start on the dishes now... *sigh*

my start

2006-09-06T01:33:00.000+02:00

So there you go, monday morning, my very first day at the Radboud University of Nijmegen. Shitting myself because I was so scared of what it'd bring for you. I had to start at 8.45am, so I grabbed the train of 8.01am, so that I'd be at uni around 8.30am. So well the train stops, I wanna get in and it's all about the art of "how do I squish myself into a train that kind of is overloaded. ah well I happen to be good at that art. So I come at the central Station of Nijmegen where I have to grab the bus. bus 10. Apparently I"m not the only one cos there's a row of about 100 people.. every bus gets OVERLOADED.. Finally when the 6th bus stops I can get myself squished in there. When I'm finally arrive at the university it's 10.15am. and my first class ended at 10.30am.... so what a marvellous start of the year lol

Thank god it's not a disaster if you miss out on one class!!

I'll keep y'all posted on my other missed classes ;-)

Changes

2006-08-30T05:59:00.000+02:00

Changes... yes, that's what life is all about. I have had many important, big changes this year, and it's not over yet. I graduated highschool, got my driving license, moved out, and will start at uni.
I know my mother would be so proud of me now :-)
And who would've expected this? I mean, nobody had expected I'd graduate, and I mean litterally nobody. Not even myself! But yet here I am, starting university in a week.

Changes... that's what need to happen if it comes to me and education. I have to do it all differently than I did at highschool. Like no more skipping classes (courses) or exams.
I will change. I can do it. I know I can do it. And the persons who mean most to me and know me best, have faith in me, so why wouldnt I have faith in myself? :-)

Big changes.. that's what my life is about this year :-) Scary but yet so satisfying to know that I'm starting a new era in my life :-D

2006-08-14T00:47:00.000+02:00

Let's get fucked up and die - Motion City Soundtrack

"Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
Social suicide.
Yeah so I'm already dead, on the inside,
But I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I've learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense, yeah.
Let me in,
Let me in to the club.
Cause I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong.
And if memory serves.
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.

(In this department)

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept:
All my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my Forget-Me-Nots and Marigolds,
And all the things that don't get old.
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself.
Through other peoples' descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless.

(In this department)

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling,
We'll try not to smile.
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the night,
That’s no shock and surprise.
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister Soldier you’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash,
And my memory lacks initiative.
Goddamn the liquor store's closed.
We're so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys, 'till it kills.
I am tired and hungry and totally useless."

well, what more can I say...

orchids and roses

2006-08-08T00:25:00.000+02:00

imagine your weeds in a garden... you're ugly and annoying. if you look to the other end of the garden there's 1 orchid in a vase and right next to it a rose.. You, the tiny little unnoticed weed absolutely love both plants. In your opinion orchids and roses are the most beautiful flowers on earth. Especially these particular ones. They dont treat you as weed, they treat you as if you're one of them. They respect you and even show you some love.

Then at one point you come into the situation where you have to choose. What will you choose. Will you go for Orchid, the most beautiful flower with that lovely scent and shyness hanging about her. Or will you go for Rose, with it's typical romantic ideas and of whom you know she'd always show you how much she cares about you?

Are you dreaming? How would it ever work out? Regardless of whom you'd choose.. there's always the distance, and them being so much better, prettier and everything you are not. How could it ever be an equal relationship? Well, in holland we have this expression saying "Hope keeps alive"... So I guess Weed should keep on hoping. And who says Weed can't dream?

Silently

2006-08-06T17:37:00.000+02:00

okay normally I'd keep my poems away from this blog (I got another blog just for my poems), but in this case I'd like to make an exception. Cos I'm still in doubt whether I should let the persons whom it is about read it or not... maybe they'll accidentally browse through this blog and see it... I dont know.. hmm
I know that it moved people... there's people telling me what a beautiful poem it is... Wish I could let THEM read it...

"SILENTLY"

silently whispering
hoping they won't hear
but yet she wants them to
she wants them to care

silently hiding
hoping they won't see
but yet she misses them
wants them to see

silently hoping
for them to be nice
when they get back
instead of cold as ice

silently wishing
they wouldn't exist
but yet, without them
she couldn't live

"I eat!"

2006-08-03T04:49:00.000+02:00

ok so imagine you are a short girl with a normal figure. Your weight is in the category "normal" but close to the line of "too low". But you feel good and healthy and happy. Well I guess that's a good thing. But then you suddenly start losing weight while your parents are gone for 2 weeks.. You do eat regularly and normal, you feel as though you're eating even more, but yet you keep on losing weight. And it doesnt stop. Even when your parents are back, you keep on losing weight. Less than you were losing when they were gone, but still.. You keep on losing weight. At one point your parents start checking what you eat and when you eat.. they ask about it and you're like Marissa in the O.C. "I eat!"... what can you do to stop this loss of weight.. ?

I guess it has to do with stress... But why am I stressing? well maybe cos of uni.. I mean, I DID fill in the paperwork quite late.. if not too late.. I'm still not officially accepted at uni. I will get accepted that's not the point, but will I get accepted in time, before the first semester starts?

argh.. here we are again at the suspense of life.... Why do we do all this? simply said the purpose of living can be explained in one sentence: we all live to die. Some would call that a pessimistic view on life, but you gotta admit; it IS the truth.

also a good one: you can sleep when you're dead. Ghehe I actually like that one. As people around me might know, I sleep very very little. I'm having trouble sleeping. And no not cos of the reasons the Perishers sing in their song ;-) I dont know how come I sleep so badly/little. I just have trouble falling asleep. No matter what time I go to bed, it happens only very rarely that I fall asleep before 1/2am, often even 3am. and mostly I wake up around 6/7am (school- /workdays) or 9am (sundays).
This causes a lot of trouble during the days, like falling asleep during classes, feeling tired all day. But yet I'm always soo energetic.. well except for the first hour after waking up of course lol.

meh life, it passes and we should just have fun.

so I'm now gonna go to my own little group of sheep who might still be awake now. Maybe if I count the number of sheep in my group I'll fall asleep before I actually have to get up *rolls eyes*

Laptop misery

2006-08-02T20:53:00.000+02:00

So I've had a pc in my bedroom for like.. well as long as I can remember. Then we got wireless internet at home, also on my computer in my bedroom. Yay! Heaven! ;-)
And now I have a laptop, 'cause I'm going to university and will be needing it. and a laptop is always usefull to take along when I'm coming home in the weekends and such. Only one problem is showing up now. How to get all my stuff from my regular pc onto my laptop. I would email it all, but that's where another problem shows up. I dont have internet access on my regular pc anymore. hehe thank god I have a mp3-player of 1 GB LOL so it *ONLY* takes me like 50 times to get all my music, files and sh*t on my laptop... and I bet it'll crash then. cos that's what always happens.. I somehow am a magnet to crashing pc's

hmm well I guess my new nickname could well be "Ester the laptop disaster"

Sheep

2006-07-29T18:50:00.000+02:00

Imagine you're a sheep and you live in a group with 49 other sheep. The group is split up in 2 groups and you'd have to choose one group to stay with. But you feel as if you fit in neither of the groups... What would you do? would you go on alone? Maybe even create your own little group, with as members: you and you and you and you... Would you feel lonely?

And what would you do if you'd hear that tomorrow is your last day on earth? Or you mother will die tomorrow... what would you do?

Argh.. life.. it's complicated, and I havent even started about love!!!

well I'm not gonna start about it now either.. first I need some sleep and fresh air.. Guess I will create my own Sheepgroup after all... cos I guess you can better be lonely than hang out with sheep you dont like...

beeehhhhhhhh!

blabbing

2006-07-28T01:35:00.000+02:00

Ryan: "sometimes I think you just talk to make sounds."
Seth: "sometimes I do."

hmm well describes me, I guess. Talking. I do it, a lot. Mostly nonsense. But isn't all the talking human beings do nonsense? I mean, doesnt a hug or kiss say more than words? So why not hug all the time instead of talking? Oh well that's a bit tooo deep at this hour...

Would it be very hard to NOT speak for a whole day? At work/school that'd be difficult. But other than that? I don't know.. I think I'm gonna give it a try sometime soon. Will keep you posted.

What would life be without language? hmm can't imagine.. how would people communicate? well with hands and feet and all, but HOW??
ahh it's too late for this now.

Do you have a little time

2006-07-27T16:38:00.000+02:00

so here's my blog.. I honestly dont know why I'm doing this.. It's not like I've got so many interesting things to say.

but well if you have a little time, you might wanna read through this blog of mine.

as you might have noticed I'm a big fan of Dido. I wouldn't say the biggest, cos I know people who know way more about her than I do. But I'm not interested in knowing EVERYTHING about her private life, cos it's her PRIVATE life and I'm sure she'd like it if people wouldnt be all over her and wanting to know what kind of underwear she wears and god knows what else. I'm mostly interested in her music, what drives her to write such marvellous lyrics and such.

Also a subject you can always come to me with is The O.C. This tv-show is really great (at least in my opinion). I've watched both season 1 and 2 for a zillion times already and know many dialogues by heart hehe. what's also great about The O.C. is the music. Really. So many good bands which are unfortunately not known by the big crowd. Ever heard of Eels, Doves, Death Cab for Cutie, the Killers, the Thrills, Rooney? All amazing bands who've appeared in The O.C. :-)

so some people would say I'm obsessed with Dido and The O.C. well I dont really agree with them. Dido and The O.C. are just 2 of the beautiful things that add "something" to my life. This sounds pathetic but it's not like that. with "something" I mean.. well I cant really explain what I mean. With Dido, I guess it's the purity of her songs and the lyrics that go straight through my heart that make me love her this much. And as for the O.C. well the show just is funny and lovely to watch, especially with all the dorky flaws and quotes of geeky Seth ;-) and the music is always a discovery. The O.C. is actually a great way to get in touch with good new bands who havent made it (yet) :-)

well I'd better stop blabbing here, hehe.

*Didorian Knight*