The Beauty of Nature

This was me today. This is me every week during summers. It's the summer version of the Island of Thoughts. During winter I'll just take a bath and drift off, but during summer and when it's lovely weather like it was today (18*C, blue-ish sky, loads of sunshine), I go to the river nearby and just sit, like on that photo.

I can just sit there for hours, staring into nothing, just watching the boats come by, thinking, writing poems, writing letters, listening to my MP3-player, doing nothing at all... It's just beautiful. To just sit there and be overwhelmed by nature's beauty. The water, the grass, the trees, wind..
Just to feel the sun on your face and tell me what you're thinking...

The Beauty of Nature, it's overwhelming and makes you feel so small. Just to sit there and think of what nature is and what it's capable of.
Days like these make me appreciate the little things in life so much more.

I love The Netherlands, especially on days like these. :)

Island of Thoughts II

Here I found myself again on the Island of Thoughts.
Laying in the bathtub, enjoying the bubbles and streams with some Feng Shui music on the background, I floated off to my Island again. Hoovering over my thoughts, watching everything from the outside.

Beautiful really.

You know I even came up with a theory. Theoretically speaking everything could be for free.
Say someone who likes to build things as a hobby, they could build machines as their hobby for free. Then those could be used to process things. E.g. to make cheese out of the milk, which farmers (who do their farming as a hobby, for free). And if someone doesnt have any skills which they could do as a hobby to contribute to this world, then why not have someone who's good at it, teach it to them.
That'd be the perfect world. Everything could be for free in this world then. I think many people would be so much happier then. I know I would.
There would be no need to make money anymore, because everything'd be for free anyway. There would be no greedy people anymore because anything would be for free anyway.
I guess I'm creating myself a fantasy here..

My Island of Thoughts

Today I decided to take a nice long, warm, eucalyptus bath, with bubbles and streams.

I made it really comfortable, put on some Yin & Yang and Feng Shui CDs really loud and just sank into my own little Island of Thoughts. Really inspiring and peaceful.

As I was laying there, floating in my sea of thoughts, quietly flowing to the peaceful sounds of Feng Shui and Yin & Yang on the background, my mind came to peace. Peace with what the people think of me, peace with my family situation, peace with the death of my beloved ones, peace with my life. Everything was so quiet and peaceful. It felt as if I arrived at the Island. I've never experienced this before. It was so beautiful. I've never seen something so beautiful, wonderful and most of all PEACEFUL.
I felt so much love. I transferred that into some textmessages which I sent out to some friends and even people who used to be friends. I knew those text messages would never be able to make up for everything I did wrong, but still... At least I told them I care and that I love 'em.
I came to such beautiful realisations while I was floating around my Island.
I can't even start to describe the realisations I came to. Half of them don't even matter and seem so small, probably irrelevant details to others, but to me... Important as hell.

It's my destiny. It really is. That's one of the things I came to realize. It's my destiny and I'm at peace with everything, that's the odd thing. Everything is okay now. Everything is meant to be.

There are 2 people who have told me (be it in a harsh way or not) that I fuck with peoples' minds and that I'm a manipulative bitch. And they are right. I'm not saying I ever hurt anyone on purpose, cos people who know me well should know that it breaks me whenever people are hurt, especially emotionally. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm not even going to come up with excuses or explanations this time. I've hurt people. Point. I'm not even going to say sorry for that anymore, as the ones who have been hurt KNOW that I'm sorry, and I don't need anyone who doesn't know a single bit of the whole situation to tell me it's common knowledge that I fuck with peoples' minds.

What does scare me a bit though is how it is possible... that if it's really common knowledge, then why do people still try to be friends with me? Heck I got messages saying I'm a manipulative bitch and also that it's common knowledge that I fuck with peoples' minds. Then why do I also get messages like:
'I love you, unconditionally! There's nothing u can do to change that & there's nothing required of u to ever prove that you deserve my love. () hurt yourself, hurt others, kill others, rape ur best friend before giving her drugs and pushing her off a bridge, I'll still love you'
and
'u've got to be one of the sweetest ppl I've ever come across. I dont know what I did to make you believe those things about me, if believing that makes you feel better, than by all means continue, but I am just stumped as to why u'd think I'm even half of those things. Thank u so much for saying it anyway. Much love. xxx'

I guess it's all a matter of opinion. I know I have so much love to give to people, but I also know that there's something like an overkill and apparently I can't give love to people without them interpretating it in a different way or without confusing them or without hurting them.
Whether I interpretate something wrong, or get confused or am hurt does not matter; I'm at peace at my Island of Thoughts.

I arrived at my Island of Thoughts and I know "the Island" will be just like this. I can feel it. Eventually I'm heading to the Island, as we all are. We just don't know when. Some found the road there earlier than others, some too early and some too late, after having a bumpy road of suffering from ilnesses and pain, as well emotionally as physically. All I know is that my Island of Thoughts will do for me for now.

What also was quite strange was that I felt a certain connection to my Mother and my Best Friend, while I was floating around my Island of Thoughts. I couldn't see them, but I could feel them. I could feel them being both proud and disappointed in me. One day I'll meet them, and everything will be alright then.

I can't remember why I started writing this post, I guess I just wanted to share these feelings and thoughts with all of you. As some last favour. Don't worry I'm not going to the Island. If I'm heading for any Island now, it'd be the Island of Thoughts. Yes, one day I will head for the final Island, and I can't say or know when that will be, but the day is coming closer. Whether that be tomorrow or in 14 years, who knows? I don't. I guess nobody can and will ever know when people will head there. And say you COULD know, would you WANT to know. I don't know.

I'm going to float some more on the Island of Thoughts, enjoying the peace and beauty of it.

silence

I never really understood people who were feeling down and didn't talk about it, because, like they said they "couldn't be bothered" to talk to anyone. I never understood them. Untill I recently found out what it feels like.

If life would only exist of sleeping and drinking than it'd be the perfect life for me, yet the most imperfect life I could imagine.

How do you deal with life? If you feel like it ain't worth living. Or at least you're not deserving of it? Does any of this even make sense at all?

I guess that's the point of life: being senseless, pointless. Yet we all are living it. Human beings are odd creatures. They live a life and are happy eventhough they know it's gonna end one day. For some persons way too soon, for others way too late.

I can't help wondering how people would live their life if they knew they'd die within the next year. What would they do? How would they live? Who would they try to meet? Who would they try to avoid?

Hmm, nevermind me, it's just another one of those dark, grey winter Sundays and I am bored. Not a good combination, hehe.


Emotional Songs for me right now:
The Smiths - Asleep
Apocalyptica - Farewell
Avril Lavigne - Slipped Away
A Perfect Circle - What's Going On

the 3 commandments

* thou shall not drink
* thou shall not use hash
* thou shall not hurt yourself

the Island

sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love for their own sake. This doesn't sound logically at all, I know but sometimes it just is like that...

The Island. That's the place to be for me. All quiet and peaceful. Flowers, sunshine. Happiness

This entry will probably make no sense to anyone but me. But I don't care. As long as I get it. As long as I can be on The Island. As long as I make sense to myself.

"Insanity is my only sane"

it's been a while

yes so it's been a while since I posted the last time... Why? Obviously not because my life's been so busy, 'cause all I did was move my bum from my bed to the couch. Which is an incredibly comfortable couch by the way. I've fallen asleep on it more than once. At one point I even woke up and saw a paper on the wall behind it saying "Ester's place". Housemates hehe.
It's a brown leather couch. it's officially for 3 persons, but usually we make it for 5 or more, when watching movies. nice and cosey on the couch under my bedsheet hehe.

It's a real student home over here. It's a mess. there's papers everwhere, shoes everywhere and believe me you don't want to go into the kitchens. One of them has a table, completely filled with dishes. My dishes to be exact *blushes*. I've been postponing it for about a week now and today I've run out of clean plates so at one point today (if I even wanna eat) I need to do the dishes. Which is a lot. Hehe. Ah well, life is like the dishes. One moment its messy and dirty and the other it's nice and shiney ;-)

Guess I'd better start on the dishes now... *sigh*