the Island

sometimes you have to hurt the ones you love for their own sake. This doesn't sound logically at all, I know but sometimes it just is like that...

The Island. That's the place to be for me. All quiet and peaceful. Flowers, sunshine. Happiness

This entry will probably make no sense to anyone but me. But I don't care. As long as I get it. As long as I can be on The Island. As long as I make sense to myself.

"Insanity is my only sane"

it's been a while

yes so it's been a while since I posted the last time... Why? Obviously not because my life's been so busy, 'cause all I did was move my bum from my bed to the couch. Which is an incredibly comfortable couch by the way. I've fallen asleep on it more than once. At one point I even woke up and saw a paper on the wall behind it saying "Ester's place". Housemates hehe.
It's a brown leather couch. it's officially for 3 persons, but usually we make it for 5 or more, when watching movies. nice and cosey on the couch under my bedsheet hehe.

It's a real student home over here. It's a mess. there's papers everwhere, shoes everywhere and believe me you don't want to go into the kitchens. One of them has a table, completely filled with dishes. My dishes to be exact *blushes*. I've been postponing it for about a week now and today I've run out of clean plates so at one point today (if I even wanna eat) I need to do the dishes. Which is a lot. Hehe. Ah well, life is like the dishes. One moment its messy and dirty and the other it's nice and shiney ;-)

Guess I'd better start on the dishes now... *sigh*

my start

So there you go, monday morning, my very first day at the Radboud University of Nijmegen. Shitting myself because I was so scared of what it'd bring for you. I had to start at 8.45am, so I grabbed the train of 8.01am, so that I'd be at uni around 8.30am. So well the train stops, I wanna get in and it's all about the art of "how do I squish myself into a train that kind of is overloaded. ah well I happen to be good at that art. So I come at the central Station of Nijmegen where I have to grab the bus. bus 10. Apparently I"m not the only one cos there's a row of about 100 people.. every bus gets OVERLOADED.. Finally when the 6th bus stops I can get myself squished in there. When I'm finally arrive at the university it's 10.15am. and my first class ended at 10.30am.... so what a marvellous start of the year lol

Thank god it's not a disaster if you miss out on one class!!

I'll keep y'all posted on my other missed classes ;-)

Changes

Changes... yes, that's what life is all about. I have had many important, big changes this year, and it's not over yet. I graduated highschool, got my driving license, moved out, and will start at uni.
I know my mother would be so proud of me now :-)
And who would've expected this? I mean, nobody had expected I'd graduate, and I mean litterally nobody. Not even myself! But yet here I am, starting university in a week.

Changes... that's what need to happen if it comes to me and education. I have to do it all differently than I did at highschool. Like no more skipping classes (courses) or exams.
I will change. I can do it. I know I can do it. And the persons who mean most to me and know me best, have faith in me, so why wouldnt I have faith in myself? :-)

Big changes.. that's what my life is about this year :-) Scary but yet so satisfying to know that I'm starting a new era in my life :-D

Let's get fucked up and die - Motion City Soundtrack

"Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
Social suicide.
Yeah so I'm already dead, on the inside,
But I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I've learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense, yeah.
Let me in,
Let me in to the club.
Cause I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong.
And if memory serves.
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.

(In this department)

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept:
All my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my Forget-Me-Nots and Marigolds,
And all the things that don't get old.
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself.
Through other peoples' descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless.

(In this department)

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling,
We'll try not to smile.
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the night,
That’s no shock and surprise.
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister Soldier you’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash,
And my memory lacks initiative.
Goddamn the liquor store's closed.
We're so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys, 'till it kills.
I am tired and hungry and totally useless."



well, what more can I say...

orchids and roses

imagine your weeds in a garden... you're ugly and annoying. if you look to the other end of the garden there's 1 orchid in a vase and right next to it a rose.. You, the tiny little unnoticed weed absolutely love both plants. In your opinion orchids and roses are the most beautiful flowers on earth. Especially these particular ones. They dont treat you as weed, they treat you as if you're one of them. They respect you and even show you some love.

Then at one point you come into the situation where you have to choose. What will you choose. Will you go for Orchid, the most beautiful flower with that lovely scent and shyness hanging about her. Or will you go for Rose, with it's typical romantic ideas and of whom you know she'd always show you how much she cares about you?

Are you dreaming? How would it ever work out? Regardless of whom you'd choose.. there's always the distance, and them being so much better, prettier and everything you are not. How could it ever be an equal relationship? Well, in holland we have this expression saying "Hope keeps alive"... So I guess Weed should keep on hoping. And who says Weed can't dream?

Silently

okay normally I'd keep my poems away from this blog (I got another blog just for my poems), but in this case I'd like to make an exception. Cos I'm still in doubt whether I should let the persons whom it is about read it or not... maybe they'll accidentally browse through this blog and see it... I dont know.. hmm
I know that it moved people... there's people telling me what a beautiful poem it is... Wish I could let THEM read it...

"SILENTLY"

silently whispering
hoping they won't hear
but yet she wants them to
she wants them to care

silently hiding
hoping they won't see
but yet she misses them
wants them to see

silently hoping
for them to be nice
when they get back
instead of cold as ice

silently wishing
they wouldn't exist
but yet, without them
she couldn't live

"I eat!"

ok so imagine you are a short girl with a normal figure. Your weight is in the category "normal" but close to the line of "too low". But you feel good and healthy and happy. Well I guess that's a good thing. But then you suddenly start losing weight while your parents are gone for 2 weeks.. You do eat regularly and normal, you feel as though you're eating even more, but yet you keep on losing weight. And it doesnt stop. Even when your parents are back, you keep on losing weight. Less than you were losing when they were gone, but still.. You keep on losing weight. At one point your parents start checking what you eat and when you eat.. they ask about it and you're like Marissa in the O.C. "I eat!"... what can you do to stop this loss of weight.. ?

I guess it has to do with stress... But why am I stressing? well maybe cos of uni.. I mean, I DID fill in the paperwork quite late.. if not too late.. I'm still not officially accepted at uni. I will get accepted that's not the point, but will I get accepted in time, before the first semester starts?

argh.. here we are again at the suspense of life.... Why do we do all this? simply said the purpose of living can be explained in one sentence: we all live to die. Some would call that a pessimistic view on life, but you gotta admit; it IS the truth.

also a good one: you can sleep when you're dead. Ghehe I actually like that one. As people around me might know, I sleep very very little. I'm having trouble sleeping. And no not cos of the reasons the Perishers sing in their song ;-) I dont know how come I sleep so badly/little. I just have trouble falling asleep. No matter what time I go to bed, it happens only very rarely that I fall asleep before 1/2am, often even 3am. and mostly I wake up around 6/7am (school- /workdays) or 9am (sundays).
This causes a lot of trouble during the days, like falling asleep during classes, feeling tired all day. But yet I'm always soo energetic.. well except for the first hour after waking up of course lol.

meh life, it passes and we should just have fun.

so I'm now gonna go to my own little group of sheep who might still be awake now. Maybe if I count the number of sheep in my group I'll fall asleep before I actually have to get up *rolls eyes*

Laptop misery

So I've had a pc in my bedroom for like.. well as long as I can remember. Then we got wireless internet at home, also on my computer in my bedroom. Yay! Heaven! ;-)
And now I have a laptop, 'cause I'm going to university and will be needing it. and a laptop is always usefull to take along when I'm coming home in the weekends and such. Only one problem is showing up now. How to get all my stuff from my regular pc onto my laptop. I would email it all, but that's where another problem shows up. I dont have internet access on my regular pc anymore. hehe thank god I have a mp3-player of 1 GB LOL so it *ONLY* takes me like 50 times to get all my music, files and sh*t on my laptop... and I bet it'll crash then. cos that's what always happens.. I somehow am a magnet to crashing pc's

hmm well I guess my new nickname could well be "Ester the laptop disaster"

Sheep

Imagine you're a sheep and you live in a group with 49 other sheep. The group is split up in 2 groups and you'd have to choose one group to stay with. But you feel as if you fit in neither of the groups... What would you do? would you go on alone? Maybe even create your own little group, with as members: you and you and you and you... Would you feel lonely?

And what would you do if you'd hear that tomorrow is your last day on earth? Or you mother will die tomorrow... what would you do?

Argh.. life.. it's complicated, and I havent even started about love!!!

well I'm not gonna start about it now either.. first I need some sleep and fresh air.. Guess I will create my own Sheepgroup after all... cos I guess you can better be lonely than hang out with sheep you dont like...

beeehhhhhhhh!

blabbing

Ryan: "sometimes I think you just talk to make sounds."
Seth: "sometimes I do."

hmm well describes me, I guess. Talking. I do it, a lot. Mostly nonsense. But isn't all the talking human beings do nonsense? I mean, doesnt a hug or kiss say more than words? So why not hug all the time instead of talking? Oh well that's a bit tooo deep at this hour...

Would it be very hard to NOT speak for a whole day? At work/school that'd be difficult. But other than that? I don't know.. I think I'm gonna give it a try sometime soon. Will keep you posted.

What would life be without language? hmm can't imagine.. how would people communicate? well with hands and feet and all, but HOW??
ahh it's too late for this now.

Do you have a little time

so here's my blog.. I honestly dont know why I'm doing this.. It's not like I've got so many interesting things to say.

but well if you have a little time, you might wanna read through this blog of mine.

as you might have noticed I'm a big fan of Dido. I wouldn't say the biggest, cos I know people who know way more about her than I do. But I'm not interested in knowing EVERYTHING about her private life, cos it's her PRIVATE life and I'm sure she'd like it if people wouldnt be all over her and wanting to know what kind of underwear she wears and god knows what else. I'm mostly interested in her music, what drives her to write such marvellous lyrics and such.

Also a subject you can always come to me with is The O.C. This tv-show is really great (at least in my opinion). I've watched both season 1 and 2 for a zillion times already and know many dialogues by heart hehe. what's also great about The O.C. is the music. Really. So many good bands which are unfortunately not known by the big crowd. Ever heard of Eels, Doves, Death Cab for Cutie, the Killers, the Thrills, Rooney? All amazing bands who've appeared in The O.C. :-)

so some people would say I'm obsessed with Dido and The O.C. well I dont really agree with them. Dido and The O.C. are just 2 of the beautiful things that add "something" to my life. This sounds pathetic but it's not like that. with "something" I mean.. well I cant really explain what I mean. With Dido, I guess it's the purity of her songs and the lyrics that go straight through my heart that make me love her this much. And as for the O.C. well the show just is funny and lovely to watch, especially with all the dorky flaws and quotes of geeky Seth ;-) and the music is always a discovery. The O.C. is actually a great way to get in touch with good new bands who havent made it (yet) :-)

well I'd better stop blabbing here, hehe.