My Island of Thoughts

Today I decided to take a nice long, warm, eucalyptus bath, with bubbles and streams.

I made it really comfortable, put on some Yin & Yang and Feng Shui CDs really loud and just sank into my own little Island of Thoughts. Really inspiring and peaceful.

As I was laying there, floating in my sea of thoughts, quietly flowing to the peaceful sounds of Feng Shui and Yin & Yang on the background, my mind came to peace. Peace with what the people think of me, peace with my family situation, peace with the death of my beloved ones, peace with my life. Everything was so quiet and peaceful. It felt as if I arrived at the Island. I've never experienced this before. It was so beautiful. I've never seen something so beautiful, wonderful and most of all PEACEFUL.
I felt so much love. I transferred that into some textmessages which I sent out to some friends and even people who used to be friends. I knew those text messages would never be able to make up for everything I did wrong, but still... At least I told them I care and that I love 'em.
I came to such beautiful realisations while I was floating around my Island.
I can't even start to describe the realisations I came to. Half of them don't even matter and seem so small, probably irrelevant details to others, but to me... Important as hell.

It's my destiny. It really is. That's one of the things I came to realize. It's my destiny and I'm at peace with everything, that's the odd thing. Everything is okay now. Everything is meant to be.

There are 2 people who have told me (be it in a harsh way or not) that I fuck with peoples' minds and that I'm a manipulative bitch. And they are right. I'm not saying I ever hurt anyone on purpose, cos people who know me well should know that it breaks me whenever people are hurt, especially emotionally. I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm not even going to come up with excuses or explanations this time. I've hurt people. Point. I'm not even going to say sorry for that anymore, as the ones who have been hurt KNOW that I'm sorry, and I don't need anyone who doesn't know a single bit of the whole situation to tell me it's common knowledge that I fuck with peoples' minds.

What does scare me a bit though is how it is possible... that if it's really common knowledge, then why do people still try to be friends with me? Heck I got messages saying I'm a manipulative bitch and also that it's common knowledge that I fuck with peoples' minds. Then why do I also get messages like:
'I love you, unconditionally! There's nothing u can do to change that & there's nothing required of u to ever prove that you deserve my love. () hurt yourself, hurt others, kill others, rape ur best friend before giving her drugs and pushing her off a bridge, I'll still love you'
and
'u've got to be one of the sweetest ppl I've ever come across. I dont know what I did to make you believe those things about me, if believing that makes you feel better, than by all means continue, but I am just stumped as to why u'd think I'm even half of those things. Thank u so much for saying it anyway. Much love. xxx'

I guess it's all a matter of opinion. I know I have so much love to give to people, but I also know that there's something like an overkill and apparently I can't give love to people without them interpretating it in a different way or without confusing them or without hurting them.
Whether I interpretate something wrong, or get confused or am hurt does not matter; I'm at peace at my Island of Thoughts.

I arrived at my Island of Thoughts and I know "the Island" will be just like this. I can feel it. Eventually I'm heading to the Island, as we all are. We just don't know when. Some found the road there earlier than others, some too early and some too late, after having a bumpy road of suffering from ilnesses and pain, as well emotionally as physically. All I know is that my Island of Thoughts will do for me for now.

What also was quite strange was that I felt a certain connection to my Mother and my Best Friend, while I was floating around my Island of Thoughts. I couldn't see them, but I could feel them. I could feel them being both proud and disappointed in me. One day I'll meet them, and everything will be alright then.

I can't remember why I started writing this post, I guess I just wanted to share these feelings and thoughts with all of you. As some last favour. Don't worry I'm not going to the Island. If I'm heading for any Island now, it'd be the Island of Thoughts. Yes, one day I will head for the final Island, and I can't say or know when that will be, but the day is coming closer. Whether that be tomorrow or in 14 years, who knows? I don't. I guess nobody can and will ever know when people will head there. And say you COULD know, would you WANT to know. I don't know.

I'm going to float some more on the Island of Thoughts, enjoying the peace and beauty of it.