Changes

Changes... yes, that's what life is all about. I have had many important, big changes this year, and it's not over yet. I graduated highschool, got my driving license, moved out, and will start at uni.
I know my mother would be so proud of me now :-)
And who would've expected this? I mean, nobody had expected I'd graduate, and I mean litterally nobody. Not even myself! But yet here I am, starting university in a week.

Changes... that's what need to happen if it comes to me and education. I have to do it all differently than I did at highschool. Like no more skipping classes (courses) or exams.
I will change. I can do it. I know I can do it. And the persons who mean most to me and know me best, have faith in me, so why wouldnt I have faith in myself? :-)

Big changes.. that's what my life is about this year :-) Scary but yet so satisfying to know that I'm starting a new era in my life :-D

Let's get fucked up and die - Motion City Soundtrack

"Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm speaking figuratively, of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide,
Social suicide.
Yeah so I'm already dead, on the inside,
But I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I've learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense, yeah.
Let me in,
Let me in to the club.
Cause I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong.
And if memory serves.
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.

(In this department)

Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept:
All my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my Forget-Me-Nots and Marigolds,
And all the things that don't get old.
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself.
Through other peoples' descriptions of life.
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless.

(In this department)

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling,
We'll try not to smile.
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the night,
That’s no shock and surprise.
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister Soldier you’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash,
And my memory lacks initiative.
Goddamn the liquor store's closed.
We're so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys, 'till it kills.
I am tired and hungry and totally useless."



well, what more can I say...

orchids and roses

imagine your weeds in a garden... you're ugly and annoying. if you look to the other end of the garden there's 1 orchid in a vase and right next to it a rose.. You, the tiny little unnoticed weed absolutely love both plants. In your opinion orchids and roses are the most beautiful flowers on earth. Especially these particular ones. They dont treat you as weed, they treat you as if you're one of them. They respect you and even show you some love.

Then at one point you come into the situation where you have to choose. What will you choose. Will you go for Orchid, the most beautiful flower with that lovely scent and shyness hanging about her. Or will you go for Rose, with it's typical romantic ideas and of whom you know she'd always show you how much she cares about you?

Are you dreaming? How would it ever work out? Regardless of whom you'd choose.. there's always the distance, and them being so much better, prettier and everything you are not. How could it ever be an equal relationship? Well, in holland we have this expression saying "Hope keeps alive"... So I guess Weed should keep on hoping. And who says Weed can't dream?

Silently

okay normally I'd keep my poems away from this blog (I got another blog just for my poems), but in this case I'd like to make an exception. Cos I'm still in doubt whether I should let the persons whom it is about read it or not... maybe they'll accidentally browse through this blog and see it... I dont know.. hmm
I know that it moved people... there's people telling me what a beautiful poem it is... Wish I could let THEM read it...

"SILENTLY"

silently whispering
hoping they won't hear
but yet she wants them to
she wants them to care

silently hiding
hoping they won't see
but yet she misses them
wants them to see

silently hoping
for them to be nice
when they get back
instead of cold as ice

silently wishing
they wouldn't exist
but yet, without them
she couldn't live

"I eat!"

ok so imagine you are a short girl with a normal figure. Your weight is in the category "normal" but close to the line of "too low". But you feel good and healthy and happy. Well I guess that's a good thing. But then you suddenly start losing weight while your parents are gone for 2 weeks.. You do eat regularly and normal, you feel as though you're eating even more, but yet you keep on losing weight. And it doesnt stop. Even when your parents are back, you keep on losing weight. Less than you were losing when they were gone, but still.. You keep on losing weight. At one point your parents start checking what you eat and when you eat.. they ask about it and you're like Marissa in the O.C. "I eat!"... what can you do to stop this loss of weight.. ?

I guess it has to do with stress... But why am I stressing? well maybe cos of uni.. I mean, I DID fill in the paperwork quite late.. if not too late.. I'm still not officially accepted at uni. I will get accepted that's not the point, but will I get accepted in time, before the first semester starts?

argh.. here we are again at the suspense of life.... Why do we do all this? simply said the purpose of living can be explained in one sentence: we all live to die. Some would call that a pessimistic view on life, but you gotta admit; it IS the truth.

also a good one: you can sleep when you're dead. Ghehe I actually like that one. As people around me might know, I sleep very very little. I'm having trouble sleeping. And no not cos of the reasons the Perishers sing in their song ;-) I dont know how come I sleep so badly/little. I just have trouble falling asleep. No matter what time I go to bed, it happens only very rarely that I fall asleep before 1/2am, often even 3am. and mostly I wake up around 6/7am (school- /workdays) or 9am (sundays).
This causes a lot of trouble during the days, like falling asleep during classes, feeling tired all day. But yet I'm always soo energetic.. well except for the first hour after waking up of course lol.

meh life, it passes and we should just have fun.

so I'm now gonna go to my own little group of sheep who might still be awake now. Maybe if I count the number of sheep in my group I'll fall asleep before I actually have to get up *rolls eyes*

Laptop misery

So I've had a pc in my bedroom for like.. well as long as I can remember. Then we got wireless internet at home, also on my computer in my bedroom. Yay! Heaven! ;-)
And now I have a laptop, 'cause I'm going to university and will be needing it. and a laptop is always usefull to take along when I'm coming home in the weekends and such. Only one problem is showing up now. How to get all my stuff from my regular pc onto my laptop. I would email it all, but that's where another problem shows up. I dont have internet access on my regular pc anymore. hehe thank god I have a mp3-player of 1 GB LOL so it *ONLY* takes me like 50 times to get all my music, files and sh*t on my laptop... and I bet it'll crash then. cos that's what always happens.. I somehow am a magnet to crashing pc's

hmm well I guess my new nickname could well be "Ester the laptop disaster"